by Barb Weir on June 29, 2014 in Satire
As President Obama proposes to raise the level of US involvement in Syria and Iraq, I sat down with Secretary of State John Kerry to discuss the roles of Jabhat al-Nusra, theIslamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) and the countries that all know what is better for Iraq and Syria than do the people that live there.
Barb Weir: Mr. Secretary, why is it necessary for the American people to send more arms and money to the Middle East?
John Kerry: I’m not sure about the American people, Barb, but I’m part of the government, and we are very concerned about changes in the region. As ISIL concentrates its efforts in Iraq, we’re afraid that there may be more death and destruction there, but less in Syria.
BW: And you think that sending 575 US military personnel to Iraq will lower the death toll there?
JK: You misunderstand, Barb. Sending US troops to Iraq will raise the death and destruction there, not lower it. It’s all for a good cause, you understand. We’re more worried about lower death and destruction in Syria.
BW: OK, then, what do you intend to do about that?
JK: The Israelis have plugged the gap a little by bombing targets in Syria, but it’s up to us to step up our effort. That’s why the President is asking Congress for half a billion dollars.
BW: How will half a billion dollars help?
JK: The struggle in Syria is not going well, Barb. Government forces are making steady gains on the ground and Assad is more popular than ever. Hundreds and perhaps thousands of Syrian opposition fighters are accepting government amnesty. There’s very little popular support for the rebels. We recently raised US payments to the fighters, but it’s not enough.
BW: So you think that paying fighters is the answer?
JK: Are you kidding? It’s the only thing keeping the ones we’ve got. Thank God for al-Nusra! They’re the only ones fighting the government now that ISIL is busy in Iraq. And an increasing number of them are not even Syrian.
BW: Then will you be using the money to pay al-Nusra?
JK: Please be more careful about what you ask, Barb. It’s true that US arms keep ending up in Nusra hands, but they are supplied by our Syrian soldiers, not by us, and by our allies, Saudi Arabia, Qatar and Turkey. That’s another reason we need the money – to replenish those arms. Al-Nusra is officially a terrorist organization, so we can’t support them directly. That’s why we divide the responsibility. Israel is also helping out by providing medical care, no questions asked. There’s increasing rapprochement between Israel and the al-Qaeda affiliates. They have a lot in common, you know.
BW: But if you’ve been doing this for years and you’re losing ground, what’s the point?
JK: The point is to keep Israel’s neighbors weak, divided, impoverished and in misery. That’s been the goal since Israel was founded.
BW: But why are we talking about Israel’s goals?
JK: Excuse me, Barb, but I’m part of the US government, as is President Obama and the Congress. Who do you think we work for?
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