by on July 28, 2014 in Politics, Satire
Following is the transcript of a White House press conference that took place more than 120 years ago. It appears to have been recorded by an unknown White House stenographer and distributed by the office of the White House Press Secretary.
January 3, 1891
White House Press Secretary Mark Forgiv met today with members of the press to answer questions about Operation Protective Ledge, which took place last week at Wounded Knee, South Dakota. Following is a transcript of the proceedings:
Mark Forgiv: Thank you for coming. Today’s press conference will follow the rules ofhasbara, which is an ancient word meaning ‘explanation’. You may ask questions, but only if the answer demonstrates that we have the most moral army on earth. First question.
New York Times: What are the objectives of Operation Protective Ledge?
MF: The main purpose is to stop the terrorist AIMAS [American Indian Movement for Autonomous Sovereignty] from firing arrows at white settlements outside their reservation. These terrorists are firing their arrows at a civilian population.
NYT: How many victims have the arrows killed?
MF: That is irrelevant. Your question is not within the rules of hasbara. The important thing is that they are firing at civilians, not how many civilians have been killed.
NYT: I apologize and promise to be more careful to publish only the news that’s fit to print.
Ky Arets, (Jerusalem, NY): We have received reports that at least 70% of the Indian deaths are civilians, with a high proportion of women and children. How do you explain that?
MF: It’s because AIMAS fires its arrows from civilian areas and uses the population as human shields. They are cowardly terrorists, but this tactic won’t work with us. We pay no attention to the presence of civilians in such cases. We are willing kill lots of civilians – reluctantly, of course – in order to kill a few terrorists. But we always warn the civilians to leave.
KA: How do you warn them?
MF: First, we throw a grenade into their camp, just to get their attention. After 58 seconds,we level the place with Howitzers. We’re absolutely scrupulous about this, and provide chronometers to our commanders for the purpose.
KA: Are there any non-civilian areas from which AIMAS can fire their arrows? The reservation is one of the most crowded places on earth.
KA: Absolutely there are non-civilian areas. We created a buffer zone inside the reservation by destroying every building up to 500 meters or more inside the border. We shoot anyone who comes in that zone, so no one is living there. Let them come there to shoot their arrows. If they make it easier for us to kill them, we wouldn’t have to harm Indian civilians.
Almay A. Dean, (Lebanon, PA): AIMAS says that they also tell white civilians to leave target areas and that in fact less than 10% of white casualties are civilians, compared with more than 75% of Indian casualties. How do you explain that?
MF: We build underground shelters for white settlers.
AD: And AIMAS doesn’t build underground shelters?
MF: They do, but we destroy them. That’s one of the objectives of Operation Protective Ledge.
AD: AIMAS says that the reservation has no clean water, that Indians can’t make a living because they are not allowed to trade, that they are not allowed to hunt buffalo more than a few miles into the wilderness, that no one is allowed to enter the reservation and Indians are not allowed to leave, and that all of this violates the treaties that they have signed. How do you propose to resolve these problems?
MF: It’s quite simple, really. If they will stop resisting, nothing needs to change.
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January 3, 1891
White House Press Secretary Mark Forgiv met today with members of the press to answer questions about Operation Protective Ledge, which took place last week at Wounded Knee, South Dakota. Following is a transcript of the proceedings:
Mark Forgiv: Thank you for coming. Today’s press conference will follow the rules ofhasbara, which is an ancient word meaning ‘explanation’. You may ask questions, but only if the answer demonstrates that we have the most moral army on earth. First question.
New York Times: What are the objectives of Operation Protective Ledge?
MF: The main purpose is to stop the terrorist AIMAS [American Indian Movement for Autonomous Sovereignty] from firing arrows at white settlements outside their reservation. These terrorists are firing their arrows at a civilian population.
NYT: How many victims have the arrows killed?
MF: That is irrelevant. Your question is not within the rules of hasbara. The important thing is that they are firing at civilians, not how many civilians have been killed.
NYT: I apologize and promise to be more careful to publish only the news that’s fit to print.
Ky Arets, (Jerusalem, NY): We have received reports that at least 70% of the Indian deaths are civilians, with a high proportion of women and children. How do you explain that?
MF: It’s because AIMAS fires its arrows from civilian areas and uses the population as human shields. They are cowardly terrorists, but this tactic won’t work with us. We pay no attention to the presence of civilians in such cases. We are willing kill lots of civilians – reluctantly, of course – in order to kill a few terrorists. But we always warn the civilians to leave.
KA: How do you warn them?
MF: First, we throw a grenade into their camp, just to get their attention. After 58 seconds,we level the place with Howitzers. We’re absolutely scrupulous about this, and provide chronometers to our commanders for the purpose.
KA: Are there any non-civilian areas from which AIMAS can fire their arrows? The reservation is one of the most crowded places on earth.
KA: Absolutely there are non-civilian areas. We created a buffer zone inside the reservation by destroying every building up to 500 meters or more inside the border. We shoot anyone who comes in that zone, so no one is living there. Let them come there to shoot their arrows. If they make it easier for us to kill them, we wouldn’t have to harm Indian civilians.
Almay A. Dean, (Lebanon, PA): AIMAS says that they also tell white civilians to leave target areas and that in fact less than 10% of white casualties are civilians, compared with more than 75% of Indian casualties. How do you explain that?
MF: We build underground shelters for white settlers.
AD: And AIMAS doesn’t build underground shelters?
MF: They do, but we destroy them. That’s one of the objectives of Operation Protective Ledge.
AD: AIMAS says that the reservation has no clean water, that Indians can’t make a living because they are not allowed to trade, that they are not allowed to hunt buffalo more than a few miles into the wilderness, that no one is allowed to enter the reservation and Indians are not allowed to leave, and that all of this violates the treaties that they have signed. How do you propose to resolve these problems?
MF: It’s quite simple, really. If they will stop resisting, nothing needs to change.
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