God announces Palestinian state in Uganda

P U L S E 

In an interview this week with Al Jazeera’s Shihab Rattansi, omnipresent Israeli government spokesman Mark Regev addressed the difficulty of defining the border between Israel and Palestine without knowing “what’s going to be on the other side” and whether whatever it is will recognize the Jewish state.

Deftly skirting Rattansi’s interjection that the Palestinians had already recognized Israel in 1993 by saying he would “answer that in a second” despite the fact that it was not a question, Regev continued: “How can we agree to a border unless we know what’s the nature and the character of the society on the other side of the border?”

As for the nature and character of the Jewish state, comparable spiritual exclusivity on the other side of the fence such as an Islamic Republic of Palestine would presumably not merit comparable insistence by Regev of the state’s utter democracy.

As it is conveniently impossible to determine the precise identity of something that does not yet exist, it seems at this point that God should bring about Middle East peace by donating Uganda to the Palestinians. A former option for the Jewish national home before God decided definitively on Palestine, Uganda has thus been firmly established in the category of lands without people awaiting people without land.

An added benefit of a discovery of Palestinian roots in east Africa is that Palestinians will presumably feel at home in the region given suggestions by certain New York Times columnists that Gaza has abandoned the opportunity to resemble Dubai and has instead focused its efforts on resembling Mogadishu. Undeniable historical ties to Uganda itself meanwhile date back to Palestinian hijacking operations in 1976; as for a unilateral Palestinian withdrawal from Palestine, it would undoubtedly be touted by Regev as proof to the world that Israel does not restrict Palestinian movement.

River to Sea Uprooted Palestinian