Dear Baroness Ashton:
It seems that in one of those unguarded moments we all experience from time to time, you slipped up and allowed your true feelings about the situation in Gaza to emerge. My, my! What on earth were you thinking that day? Now you’re in a real pickle!
I noticed that in an apparent effort at being equitable and even-handed in your conference remarks you included the words “Gaza” and “Sderot” in the same sentence. But that’s actually probably where you made your fatal mistake. Jews frequently aren’t interested in “fairness” and “even-handedness,” not when they themselves are the subject being talked about. As much of the world is by now beginning to understand, a good manyJewish people, especially Israelis, consider themselves superior to others and rather enjoy hearing acknowledgement of such from those with whom they come in contact.
In listening to your entire speech, I have to say it was all pretty innocuous-sounding. Yes, young Palestinians have the same hopes and dreams as other young people throughout the world. That’s not exactly a controversial statement. You’d think it would be safe to say something like that. You even went so far as to echo the conventional NATO line about Syria. So what gives here? Why they jumpin’ all over you? Could it be just the fact that you spoke at a Palestinian youth conference at all—is that what upset your detractors so much? It sure makes me wonder. And hey! Even the part of your speech that ignited all that Jewish angst and outrage we’ve been hearing over the past few days—even that part seems pretty tame and inoffensive. I mean really! Come on! Here is what you said:
And in days when we remember young people who have been killed in all sorts of terrible circumstances—the Belgian children having lost their lives in a terrible tragedy, and a friend of mine’s child being part of that; when we remember what happened in Toulouse today; when we remember what happened when I was in Norway last week a year ago; when we know what’s happening in Syria; when we see what’s happened in Gaza and Sderot; in different parts of the world we remember young people and children who lose their lives.
The comment about being “killed in all sorts of terrible circumstances” clearly applies to the children of Gaza as much as to those who died in Toulouse. How could anybody argue otherwise? How could even a Zionist Jew possibly claim the two daughters of Khaled Abed Rabbo—shot dead by an Israeli soldier while their grandmother carried a white flag attached to a mop handle—did not die under “terrible circumstances”? How could even the most hardened criminal in the worst prison in America not have been affected by that picture of little four-year-old Ahmed Samouni with the two bullet holes in his chest? Let’s face it, Baroness, no rational person could have found reason to get apoplectic over anything you said. But in the subsequent explosion, what did we see? A bunch of Israeli leaders and other Jewish big-wigs throwing hissy fits and calling for your resignation. And I have to tell ya—it was without much hope I observed you attempting to defuse the crisis by asserting you had drawn “no parallel whatsoever between the circumstances of the Toulouse attack and the situation in Gaza.” This doesn’t seem to have cut the mustard, though, as I feared it wouldn’t, and as we see now, the European Jewish Parliament and the European Jewish Union have launched a campaign calling for you to either apologize or resign.
Yes, it does appear as if you’re in a pickle. So here’s my friendly suggestion. Extend your middle finger and tell all the Jews who are attacking you to go hop on a frickin’ freight train to hell. Then retire from public life and publish your memoirs telling how you were hounded out of your job as the EU’s high representative for foreign affairs by the crazed, maniacal leaders of the state of Israel. Guaranteed to be a bestseller! Such a book might even head off a nuclear war! Plus you’ll emerge with your dignity intact and with the respect and gratitude of people all over the world for having had the courage to tell the truth. This as I say would be my preferred option for you.
I have a feeling, however, despite the fact that you’re a nice lady and all, you may not have quite the spunk to take this on, so here’s an alternate suggestion. The next time you have a meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu, get down on your belly, slither up to his feet, and pour out your humblest, most abject apology. Be sure and mention that the words “terrible circumstances” were in no way intended to apply to Gaza, that you misspoke, and that Israel’s blockade and repeated attacks and war crimes have never been anything other than benevolent and wonderful. Also, while you’re having this conversation with his shoes, be sure and tell Netanyahu you support Israel’s war with Iran and that you’re totally in favor of Europeans going and fighting it for them. It wouldn’t hurt to confide as well that you’re a devoted adherent of the seven laws of Noah and you fully believe it’s incumbent upon Europeans to be the Jewish state’s water carriers and wood hewers. Also propose to him the idea of setting up Jewish-run penal colonies throughout the EU where those who question the holocaust or suggest Israeli involvement in 911 can be incarcerated and forced to hard labor. But don’t leave it at that! As you’re giving voice to all these things, don’t forget to mention while you’re at it that the Holocaust was terrible, Hitler was mean, that Jewish suffering surpasses all other, etc. and so on. I’m sure you’ve got all that down pat by now, but you’ll really want to pour it on thick while giving your apology.
Finally, finish up by telling Netanyahu that Germany’s gift of six submarines is, in your opinion, totally inadequate, and that at the very least they need to give six more. Once you’ve articulated all this, repeat the process with the heir apparent to the throne, Avigdor Lieberman. That should mollify’em, at least for now. You may even get to keep your job.
Hey Baroness, good luck! Hope things work out for ya! Stay cool!
Your pal,
Buddy the Goy
River to Sea
Uprooted Palestinian 
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