HAMA:

SYRPER IS ECSTATIC IN ANNOUNCING ANOTHER DEPARTURE OF A WANTED NUSRA SCAVENGER CREEP BY THE NAME OF “ABU KHATTAAB AL-HAMAWI”. (Wild applause) He was in Hama City trying to drum up interest in more operations to destroy Syria. For some reason, his audience wasn’t impressed and called the Ministry of the Interior. With his whereabouts now known, it didn’t take long for SAA and security services agents to surround his little hovel in Al-Kaylaaniyya Quarter where he was professionally sniped out of existence. His photo (above) was taken after a bullet severed his jugular as he was defecating in someone’s urban garden. Our congratulations to his stinking brood.

DER’AH:

The reports won’t stop coming in: Jordanian “intelligence” officers are suffering from “Post-Flop Career Ending Syndrome” or (POFLOCEDS), a new psychiatric condition endemic to Hashemite sycophants. Why just yesterday, in a fit of pique, the Jordanian government expelled the Syrian ambassador to Amman and replaced him with some unknown Homsi child molester by the name of Mohamed Almrouh, a member of the “opposition”. According to sources in the Mercury News Service, the move to separate from Syria was to therapeutically treat the Jordanian spooks who could not understand why their “specially-trained terrorists” were losing every battle around Der’ah.

King Abdullah bin Antoinette Avril Gardiner zawjat Hussayn bin Zayn

In this adorable family photo, King Abdullah bin Antoinette Avril Gardiner zawjat Hussayn bin Zayn, seen here standing on a crate of bananas, looks lovingly upon his Palestinian wife, Queen Rania. It is reported that that the allegedly half-Hijazi half-British monarch is really the son of Sir John Bagot Glubb or “Glubb Pasha” – making him 100% English. Now, wouldn’t that be jolly?

City: At the Abu-Hurayra Mosque, 9 terrorists were killed in a firefight. It is reported that citizens were acting as scouts for the SAA pointing to the hiding spots used by the little vermin. All of these terrorists were trained in Al-Mafraq by the redoubtable Jordanian security services and their Zionist allies. No names available.

Al-‘Umari Mosque: Isn’t it interesting how the terrorists continue to collect around religious places? Yesterday, the SAA killed 2 Nusra terrorists here and took 5 prisoners all claiming “the Devil made us do it!”. No names.

Al-Kassaara Checkpoint: SAA killed 3 terrorists trying to slink by to steal a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Three Blind Mice, See How They Run. No names.

Al-Bajaabija Quarter: A large number of Jordanian-trained cockroaches were snuffed out here. I have no names.

North of Al-Yarmouk School in the Al-Manshiyya Quarter: A tunnel with terrorists inside was identified by local residents for the security services who called in SAA sappers and engineers. They offered the huddled, oh-so-clever terrorists the chance to come out but got nothing. When it was evident that nobody was inside the tunnel, sappers blew it up and found out later that there were 11 miserable vermin inside who had been smothered due to their meekness. So sad.